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Many of my friends and acquaintances have volunteered their amenities for this tour, about which I must admit to being slightly baffled. Who wants a writer who comes around, uses their facilities and then leaves again? But dear Luke at Choc Lit, a man with a mission and probably an Armitage and Shanks full flush number with low level cistern and mahogany seat (you see, I'm picking up the lingo already), maintains that a bog tour is the best way to raise my profile and announce the book to the world.
So, in preparation, I have loaded myself down with Andrex Super Strong, some wet wipes, a number of large books, and a number of tins of curried pea and ham soup (well, it always has that effect on me). I have been working on my glutes, practicing my crouching, have installed myself in several pairs of elasticated waisted trousers, and now I am ready for the off!
It won't look like this when I've finished...
Already committed (as they should be) are The Nut Press -1st January, Strictly Writing- 8th January
LoveRomancePassion 16th Jan, Coffee Time Romance 24th Jan. And others are arriving all the time, for example the lovely Lucie Wheeler has also volunteered, as long as while I'm in there I don't dance or sing. In fact, the calls for me not to sing are almost outnumbering those requesting various numbers! I know! I don't understand it either!
Anyway, I'm now off to buy myself a special brush for those..err..awkward moments, and a little step to put my feet up on, also to double as a stage should I feel like regailing those there present with my own particular take on Biffy Clyro. So, if anyone else feels like hosting my bog tour, just make sure that your porcelain number is buffed to perfection and I'll put you on the list.
Hold on a minute. My publicity man is on the other line...
Oh.
Er.
Apparently it's a BLOG tour.
Anyone want to buy forty-five rolls of mostly unused Andrex?
I'll even throw in the puppy...No, not like that!
3 comments:
You are welcome to use mine. Once in though, never out. Truly destined to freeze your bollocks off or whatever you have to freeze off. Plenty of loo roll though as we avoid the room as much as possible and use the garden, as it is just as cold and saves on cleaning. You see the student has learnt well. Cleaning, what is that?
Ah, Grasshopper, well you have absorbed the words of the Wise One. For cleaning is merely prevarication by another name, and besides, is it not said 'You'll clean it, and two minutes later some bugger shits in it!'
Hurray - I'm back. Just in time to catch the news of your blog tour (so pleased it's not a bog tour. Whatever it is or wherever it is I'm really looking forwards to reading 'Please Don't Stop the Music'.
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