Why any writing advice I may give is similar to my attraction to Tony Robinson. Yes, honestly.

I've been at it again.  No, not that... although, yes, I did spend yesterday evening watching Tony Robinson talking to me from the Bronze Age (I think that was what was going on, I was too transfixed by his little face and the way his eyebrows kept going up and down, to listen to the words). No, what I've been doing this time is giving advice about writing.  I did it here (you need to go right down to the bottom to find me, as so often in life).  People often ask me for advice...I have no idea why.  I mean, would you ask advice from a woman who spends longer than average with her pants on her head, muttering?  But, possibly because I've got books published, normal people are willing to listen to what I have to say, even if what I have to say is mostly 'did I leave the oven on? What's that funny smell?' and 'who are you, and why are you in my house?'

I wish there was such a thing as definitive advice.  It would be lovely to be able to say 'if you do this.. and then this... you too can be a published writer' (only, obviously, substituting real advice for the word 'this', because doing 'this' won't get you anything, except probably arrested, just be glad you can't see what I'm doing when I say 'this').  Besides, it's too easy to sound didatic..is that the word I mean? It sounds right. Or do I mean pragmatic?  Why does everything with a 'tic' in it sound as though it is something to do with instruction?  Apart from Tic Tacs, of course, which are nothing to do with learning at all, except that you eventually, after massive doses, learn that they give you serial burps.

Not an aid to learning, unless you want to learn to burp the National Anthem.  In which case, I wash my hands of you

The only advice I can give, is to tell you what has worked for me.  Which might not work for you.  So, I suppose, by giving advice I am really setting myself up to be hunted by writers with sticks, who fully took on board my advice about Overcoming Writer's Block (which, by the way, if you are interested, and if you can't be arsed to click the link above and read through the whole thing, consists of 'read a really terrible book and become so incensed that it got published that you are driven to write, because, however bad your writing may be it can never be as bad as the Terrible Book') and thus found themselves still suffering from writer's block, only now with bookshelves full of Truly Terrible Books.

So, if you are to read any advice given by me, please consider that the words 'Your Mileage May Vary' are appended, albeit invisibly.  What is perfectly good advice for one writer may be inappropriate for another, even within the same genre.  Just as the men we find attractive are particular to ourselves (yes, yes, this is just another excuse to put in a picture of Our Tone...)

...because otherwise there would just be one, really, really smug man surrounded by the whole of womankind all fighting for his attention, apart from those of us who really couldn't be bothered and had wandered off for a cup of tea and a chat.

Yes. Mr Armitage, I am looking at you...