Inside out, grab and roll, a beginner's guide to Duvets... with gratuitous Johnny Depp, and added Strictly.

Why don't duvet covers have zips?  I've always thought it was so that you didn't have that horrible sensation in the middle of the night, when you've tugged the duvet up under your chin as far as it will go, only to then have the ghastly press of icy metal over your toes, a bit like Edward Scissorhands trying to get into bed with you.  Although, as ES was played by the gorgeously lovely Mr Depp, I'm not sure that comparison quite works, since, even if he'd just come straight from the Arctic I can't quite see myself not allowing him to sneak under my duvet.  Oh well.

You would, wouldn't you?

Back to my original question. Why don't duvets have zips?  They either have those inadequate plastic press-stud things, which, given an active night with much twisting and turning, give way with sounds like tiny party-poppers being let off (which, if you are undergoing a night of that kind of activity, can be immensely cheering, like having a crowd encouraging you.  A bit of applause is always welcome too,) or those buttons, which inevitably fall off and leave you with a duvet which bulges out of the bottom of its cover like a large lady wearing a too-tight crop top.

I ask this question, rather idly, because it is a Sunday morning and I have just watched the inevitable spectacle of a man trying to re-cover a duvet.  I thoroughly recommend this as a hobby, by the way, the watching, obviously, not the doing.  It would make a great TV show, get a series of celebrities to put new covers onto duvets, against the clock and to music... (hurries off to sell idea). 

Imagine this, without the woman but with a duvet... See what I mean?  And this picture is from the Daily Mirror, who have also clearly seen the possibilities....

I have tried to explain that it's quite simple.  You turn the cover inside out, grab the corners of the duvet itself and then sort of roll the cover onto the duvet.  It's like putting a coat onto a small child.  I have even demonstrated on numerous occasions.  Inside out, grab and roll...  And then I stand back and watch a man turn it into a cross between

and

 

I don't really think that zips would help, of course.  Unless the covers unzipped all the way round, like a sleeping bag...and, yes, I know, for every man that can't stuff a duvet cover there are seventeen women who can't either, and he can do things that I can't, like...um... well, I'm still not entirely sure what brake calipers are and I'm rubbish at paying bills on time. But, still - TV show in the making?