Psyche-curtain critique and why monks don't know a Jag from a Merc

This weekend I paid a visit to Mount Grace Priory.  Oh, it's all right, it's open to the public - I'm not about to take holy orders or anything, for one thing I don't think they'd have me, and another...well, I can't do the costumes.  My legs are too short, I look like a Dalek in a whimple. Anyway.  I went. Look.

This is it.  But you can't see me...

And so.  I asked lots of what I considered pertinent and well-thought-out questions about the monks who used to live there - Jaguar versus Mercedes -their preferred manufacturer, what they considered to be good mileage to the gallon, whether performance should triumph over appearance.  Turns out they were Carthusians.  Not Car Enthusiasts.  I probably can't go back.

And in other news.  Don't forget - in fact, pencil it into your diaries RIGHT NOW - next weekend I shall be giving you the one-time-only (injunction pending) opportunity to read all about Mr Jonathan Pinnock, author of the wonderful 'Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens' novel (out now, all good bookshops, reasonable price etc).  I have exerted influence, threatened blackmail and taken posession of the negatives in order to bring you this exclusive(ish) insight into the world of a self-confessed Inflatable Dalek owner and writer.  I've even asked him some questions which may or may not allow you a peek into his psyche!  All right, so the question I asked was 'please may I have the key to your psyche, so I can show some people round?', and he has promised that we might be able to have a poke around, as long as we don't criticise the curtains.

It looks like this.  The book, obviously, not his psyche.  Although that might be an assumption...


And finally.  Or finially, if you are of a staircase turn of mind.  You may have noted that I revealed that I have signed a contract with those patient people at Choc Lit for my latest novel, entitled 'Vampire State of Mind'.  It's about vampires.  And, tangentially, minds. You are going to hear a lot more about this book...  In fact, in preparation for it, I went into a branch of Waterstones at the weekend (not at Mount Grace Priory, they aren't that enlightened, it was in Northallerton, actually) and perused the shelves.  I know, I know, I should never peruse in public after that last time, what with all the fuss and the straitjacket and that nasty court case, but the place wasn't busy and I think I got away with it.

And what should my perusal reveal?  Well, I'll tell you.  Every single vampire book on the shelf was American. Yes!  Set in America, with American people (and, presumably, vampires)!  This may not come as a shock, indeed, may seem perfectly just and proper if you are one of my American friends, but to me it was appalling!  Britain has vampires too, you know!  Well-dressed and well-mannered (unless they go off the rails), a liking for technology and filing and an almost insurmountable obsession with really fast cars. Well, mine do, anyway.

And with that appetite-whetting teaser I shall take my leave.  Don't forget next week is Jonathan Pinnock week - play nicely and, whatever you do, don't criticise the curtains...

 Although, you know, if they're like this I think we might have to.  It's for his own good, after all.